Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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