Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
