ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
