i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry about my life...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
