my sisters under your porch take her home
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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