I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
