Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize