the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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