Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
