i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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