then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
