this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
