she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
