New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize