my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
