Just fell off a train. Bad.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
