Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
