I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
