you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
