Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
