I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
