god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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