dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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