Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
