She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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