So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
