the condom got lost in my hair
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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