HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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