FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
