dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
