What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
