Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he was CRYING into my vagina
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
