I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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