dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
