Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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