Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
