hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
