I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
