Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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