You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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