Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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