His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My vagina just recognized that song.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
