I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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