Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
