There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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