When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he was CRYING into my vagina
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
