Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
