I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
