I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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