I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's the barista slut.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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