Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That's how pantless uber rides happen
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
