how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
