I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
