Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
