Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
