i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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