I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
