i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
