I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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