the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
