And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
