I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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