I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
