Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
